Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?