Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏