Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.