i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
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9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
This is so wrong 😂
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body