i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
You Might Also Like
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Feels
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!