Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.

Husband: What experts?

Me: Experts.

Husband: But who?

Me: Me. I’m the experts.

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

The most important meal of the day is the next one

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”