Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing out my freckles.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”