Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

this is the best interaction on twitter

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.