“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Please do it!
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.