“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
This is a bad sign
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos