“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt