I missed you with all my darts
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Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
They got a point!
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*