I missed you with all my darts
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @