I missed you with all my darts
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This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.