I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I wish I were this cool 😂
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.