I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.