Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*