Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.