Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law