Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

The Sun

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating