Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship