Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on