Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?