I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
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8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.