Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.