Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

So, can we agree on 4 or

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble