I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
#ProTip
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.