Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

can I use a minion as a tampon

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?