Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.