I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.