I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef