Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Festive toon…
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.