I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
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If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE