I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…