Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

The Friday File.

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.