I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
describing stardew valley
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON