I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
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No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Found my door mat
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
when mom throws a party…
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.