I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
new career option?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer