I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
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Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.