I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
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My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
the noise i just made
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????