Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.