I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
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Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos