Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

goldfish mafia

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.