Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.