Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded