I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
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her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.