Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

🤣dope

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

True

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens