I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
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My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
yea so i messed up lol
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”