I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying