I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
You Might Also Like
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I’m having an out of money experience.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.