I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
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[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
middle school in the ’90s
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles