Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

I will never stop laughing at this

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.