Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Tapped in

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.