Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?