I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
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My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.