Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.