I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting