I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
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If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
just witnessed a drug deal
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.