‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
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My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?