‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
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Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
So many pants.
So little yoga.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Shoo shoo! 😂
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes