I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
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stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
next level snooze