If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.