I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
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me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Check your privilege
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Monday Lisa
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.