I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
that de-escalated quickly
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*