I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone