Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles