I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
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I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
