Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

When someone trying to leave me

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.