I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
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If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
💀 😭
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.