Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.