I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS