Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’re dead?

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.