I must learn to listen to myself when I tell myself to shut up.
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
i’m so sick of this guy
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?