Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

Probably my best painting.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon