“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
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Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Why soy sad?
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.