I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Why font matters.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…