Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

I need to update my racial profile.

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant